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LONELINESS VS. INDEPENDENCE: IT’S YOUR CHOICE

I’ve always struggled to decipher the state of being alone from the feeling of being lonely. It wasn’t until my fourth boyfriend, out of four back to back to back to back relationships, pointed out that I was scared to be alone and it hit me HARD.

Sometimes it’s hard to acknowledge someone knows you better than you know yourself, especially after they just dumped you out of the blue.

However, in this instance, it was like a sense of clarity washed over me. I had always considered myself an independent person because I liked to do things like walk to class, study for exams, listen to music, drive, etc. all by myself. However, during these moments of “being alone” I was constantly on my phone communicating with someone or posting something in hopes of a response. Not even always a particular response, just SOMETHING. Now social media posts and stories are a topic for an entirely separate post, this post is about being alone and how being alone has the potential to lead to two opposite states of existence: loneliness or independence.

Being alone in Sweden has already been challenging. It means waking up alone (in a time zone different than 99% I know AKA that good morning text will not be read for 6 hours minimum), making decisions both big and small on my own (where to eat, what train to take, where tf to live) and finding joy when I am sharing moments with no one but myself. It means feeling confident on the train, bus, plane alone. In the museum, park, mall alone. It means delaying the urge to share photos or news with my family and friends in the US and enjoying my time here in Europe while I’m living in it. And this is what’s hardest for me, it means recognizing my own accomplishments and giving myself the credit I deserve. And feeling validated and proud of these things from no one but myself.

When you have such a strong, involved support system, as I do at home, it is hard to feel empowered without their approval. It almost doesn’t feel like an accomplishment unless it is shared, and that’s a huge problem in my life. While I still will share the highs and lows of my experiences with probably more people than care, I will be making choices for myself and owning up to their results. Being alone, but possessing confidence in yourself and ownership of your life choices is how you ultimately reach independence. I want to come back from Sweden as a more independent woman, and with every decision made and ever spark of joy felt I am growing towards that.